Porridge

 Welcome back, Dungeon Meshi Maniacs!  Have you been well over the long past two weeks?  I hope you spent it trying out new recipes of strange and unusual monsters.  Always remember, monsters that just happen to walk into your home are just as edible as monsters you find in the dungeon.  What was I up to the past two weeks?  Enjoying a vacation and then being too tired from the vacation to shop for ingredients.  Ingredients of the most bizarre, most unreasonable recipe to date!

 Porridge! The food that orphans all line up for! The stuff the Gilded Age was built on.  Normal old porridge! "Foul!" I hear you chant. "Foul, you rank recipe wrecker. This is just NORMAL food!  Where's the monster!?"  Please, I beg you.  Stop tearing at your hair.  I was as shocked as you were when I got to this chapter.  I mean, this is Dungeon Meshi. Our hero is a monster obsessed freak yet here we are eating like Oliver Twist?  First we pass on "normal" mermaids.

A lot of meat on those...um..huh.  Okay, maybe that would be a little too weird?  But these are Mammalian Mermaids, apparently.  Next we meet and opt to not eat the Piscine version.

 A little more fish-like but still fairly humanoid.  What stops Laios from one heck of a fish fry?  A little killjoy named Chilchuck.

If it had been left to Laios there's a good chance I'd be making Beer Battered Mermaid this week.  But Chilly just can't bring himself to eat anything humanoid.  I have to say I'd agree with the deadbeat dad here.  The reason we don't eat humans isn't just that we taste terrible.  It's also uncomfortable.  Do you want to eat something that looks like you? Not me. What about things that kinda look like you?  I gotta say no to that as well.

Since mermaid is back off the menu, boys, that leaves us with what you came here for. Porridge!  Where do the wonderous wanderers find the barley for the porridge?  Floating on the water.

Not only is it stolen barley, they stepped on it.  I don't know if the dungeon has a five second rule, DMMs.  My gut says no.  The gang doesn't have the luxury of going, "Ewww, no." three times in one chapter so floating porridge it is!  What exactly is porridge?  I know you've heard about it if you've read anything published in the 1800's.  But have you ever seen it on a menu? Basically it's boiled barley!

"Delicious source of fiber."  You know that a bag can never lie!  So how do you cook barley?

Put barley in water, heat.  Very straight forward.  If you are making porridge for two people I'd go with a cup of barley and 3 cups of water.

Wow!  Looking so delicious already.  See, that bag knows what it's talking about!  Now you'll bring this to a boil.

Once you've hit a boil just lower the temperature to a simmer and give it 40 minutes.  Be sure to stir occasionally and you're done! Simple.  Porridge by itself is very grassy so it's a good idea to give it some toppings.  What did Laois go with on his again?

 Okay, got the barley, got the water, salt to taste is easy....MIMIC MEAT!?  Come on!  As you recall, mimic meat=crab meat and here I am in the landlocked Middle of Nowhere.

One of my favorite family photos.  Crab is a little hard to come by and very expensive.  However there is one option.  An option that may be the most controversial opinion that I've ever shared on this blog.  Are you heard to hear it, Dungeon Meshi Maniac?  Lean in close.  I'll whisper it. I prefer imitation crab to the real thing. Shh!  Don't act so squirrely!  You'll get the crab counsel people on us.  But what is a mimic other than a fake version of what it is imitating?  I say that imitation crab is a fun and cheap way to have mimic meat for our porridge.

Ha!  Take that world.  We have mimic meat on our porridge. The great thing about porridge is it is up to you how to dress it.  Here at Cooking Dungeon Meshi Headquarters we made both a sweet and savory version of the porridge.

Sweet is milk, cranberries, sugar and maple syrup.  Savory has two fried eggs, imitation crab and black pepper.  I'll give you that they don't look that appetizing but trust me, both were delicious!

Porridge is far thicker and chewier than its cousin oatmeal.  The grassy flavor mixes well with whatever you put into it.  If we aren't eating monsters this is a fairly good substitution.  Worry not, DMMs.  I will be cooking monsters again.  Next week, however, be sure to come back when we'll be talking mermaids!